Just before Christmas, an older lady facetiously asked the question of me: "why don't you do a piece on the bashing of men? For every man who commits a crime against his wife or children, there are about ten who are doing it right."
She had been married for fifty-three years to one of our old-worldly, Victorian-type gentlemen, so needless to say I dismissed her question with the thought "she has just been lucky and really is not aware of what is going on out there with most Trini men."
But as one of my past editors, Raoul Pantin, taught me "there is a story even when there seems not to be one" which led to my asking Grace (not her real name) to share her thoughts on men-bashing. And although she was hesitant at first, really did have a lot to say on the subject.
According to Grace "there are all those men getting up, going to work at 8 a.m. and slugging it out, then trudging home and digging up in the garden from 5 p.m. to grow vegetables to augment the family table, but the problem is that is not news so they never get mentioned, and there are many, many men like that out there."
There is one man whom Grace knows, "he works at the hospital, shift work, on his day off he works as a gardener to earn an extra dollar, while pushing his three children like mad through secondary schools. Again, that is not news, that does not make a headline, he is not a hero, and how many more are there like him. Very little is said about the men who are more or less faithful to their wives, making a home for their children and putting them through schools. They should be drawn to the attention of society, as it gives an effect that all men are bad."
"Similarly, there are lots and lots and lots of children who are getting through but they do not make the news. Instead the battered and murdered ones make the news and so they should," says Grace. Going a little bit further, Grace speaks of the social and sexual revelation of the sixties and the empowerment of women.
"Referred to as 'women's lib', and basically brought about by the freedom of fear of unwanted pregnancies with the pill, but at the same time there were some forward thinking women who said well look women are okay, and spoke out on the progress of women for their freedom and their rights, I endorse all of this absolutely, but at the same time I think the male ego has suffered a great deal. And I think it is showing itself in the non-performance of some of our boys. Girls are out-performing boys, I have not seen statistics, but it is just a general statement. Men are not really devils, they do have noble feelings but then again it is not news."
Grace does not see it as an easy job to reverse the trend of male bashing, but believes there are many women like herself who think this way. "There are a lot of women who admire men and who think good of them."
As a retired person, Grace feels her observations and thinking are somewhat coloured by distance or detachment, but she does look at the young married women who have husbands supporting them mainly in the family area, because there is joint financial support nowadays, and sees a lot of young couples, and families out there in the lower and middle level who are trudging through life as best they can. The men of the grassroots, however, are frustrated, because they have not had education and just cannot get jobs, "so you hear about those mugging, robbing and raping, but again for every one of those, there are ten boys, not involved in that lifestyle, but just hanging around getting more frustrated and fed-up with their lives" says an emotional Grace.
"They go out and procreate, there are more babies with no future; just more frustrations, more anger, more bitterness, more overcrowding, and most of the time getting no guidance. There is an old saying an educated mother brings up an educated family, that mother does not have to have a degree, but will sing lullabies, read nancy stories because she knows them, and tuck her children into bed with a bedtime story. "
"She will insist that her child gets an education, she will know that to have umpteen children, within or without the bounds of marriage is just making life miserable for herself and for her offspring because they cannot flourish."
"We have exported something like 250,000 of our people to America and Canada, what would have happened if they were still here?" asks Grace. "It is most important to read and write, and although it is very important they know how to do maths, other areas of education must be dealt with such as family planning. This is the best way you can educate a woman, so she will either say no or will know what to do."
Grace feels that promiscuity is stopping the development of our young men. High School is a time of puberty, it hits both boys and girls, but boys particularly. "They must be more into sports and on the playgrounds to keep them busy and tired, while the school and the parent make demands on what your child produces in school." Some women feel that a child is their old age pension while the only way some men feed their ego is to produce a child and have fun doing it as well. They need help to find themselves.
How are we to change that which is a cultural thing, handed down from generation to generation. Grace does not know the answers but feels it is important that it be broken. "But there is tremendous ignorance if they do not go to the FPA, then they do not know what it is about. Imagine there are men who still think if they use any protection it makes them impotent. And there are women who still think if they cannot produce a child they will be called a mule."