We live in an era of everyday domestic violence, which is often brought about by broken romances or marriages.
We hear how sorry the population is for the persons whose lives have been snuffed out or irrevocably changed by the inability of one party (usually the male of the specie) to accept the end of a relationship. Needless to say, the children in those circumstances will be forever scarred by these violent break-ups.
Dr Dorrell Philip, a qualified psychologist/social worker, who is in private practice, chose instead to dwell, on youngsters who experience another kind of abuse, where a marriage has broken down and the children are exposed to constant bickering between the two parents, and find themselves being used as pawns in a game between two warring adults whom they love.
"The parents should seek a person whom they both trust, whether priest, counsellor, family friend, or someone knowledgeable in these matters, who can act as a mediator" advises Dr Philip.
"Many parents believe that children do not suffer through these separations. They feel that because they are children they do not understand or it does not matter, but it does matter and it is very serious" says Dr Philip. "The children already feel a sense of abandonment because they had two parents and suddenly they have one, which is not true in most instances. The other parent is there and is willing to continue being a part of their lives, whether it is the mother or father who lives away from them."
"The children get conflicting messages because if the parent who stays with them but no longer wants the other partner, is angry, then that anger is passed on to the children."
And even if the angry parent wanted the separation, Dr Philip gives a number of reasons for the anger:
(1) It may be something from their own childhood situation, as they perceived it, because a number of times children view the world from their own perspective.
(2) Justification of that parent's own behaviour. They have to have an acceptable reason why they chose to separate from their partner; and
(3) The fear of losing the children. The children may, in fact, want to go to live with the other parent.
"The children become confused as they would judge the parent who has moved away from them on the basis of the quality of time spent with him/her. But if that parent continues to send the message that nothing has changed in my love for you, while the message from the mother (if it is the mother with whom they live and she is angry) is he cannot be a good person because I don't want him in my life anymore, the children get mixed messages, and it is difficult for them to reconcile those two sets of information."
When a parent is angry with the person they have put out of their lives, most of the time the person who is angry and ended the relationship, may be the only person who sees the other person as bad. And once that decision has been made, they want to convince others that the position was justified or, why have I left.
"The angry person must explore his/her feelings and take responsibility for the decision. If you do not take responsibility, the children will be hurt and sometimes suffer with psychosomatic illnesses caused by the stress that they feel, such as, diarrohea, acne, eczema, constipation and other stress related illnesses" explains Dr Philip.
Hence the reason that parents have to acknowledge that their relationships affect the optimum functioning of their children whether the children are saying anything or not. The bottom line is that both parents have to give up all anger and animosity they feel for each other in order to do what is best for the children.
Parents who say my children are not affected, should not underrate the level at which the children think. "Each age group" says Dr Philip " responds very differently to a parent's leaving. Up to three or four, there is a sense of abandonment, even if one parent dies, there is still a sense of abandonment as the parent just is not there. Between four to seven years, the child takes on the responsibility for the situation in a lot of ways, they think that they have done something wrong why one parent has left and may no longer love them. Between ages eight and twelve, they begin to understand somethings and some children are much more insightful than others. Later on in adolescence, the chilren are no longer prepared to take responsibility for the actions of their parents. But through it all children continue to hope that the parent who has gone will be accepted once more into the family and they will becme a loving, nuclear family again."
When children return from a visit with the parent who lives outside of the home, they should not be questioned nor should negative comments be made about that other parent whom they have just visited as it saddens and sometimes angers the children because that is not their experience with the parent with whom they have just spent time. The children learn instead how not to share with the parent with whom they live in order to keep that parent happy.
Therefore both parents should refrain from ill-speaking and making negative remarks about the other parent, as the children may then learn to tell untruths to keep things on an even keel.
How do parents cushion this difficult time for their young children? "Above all, there must be no overt animosity" says Dr Philip, "children learn to accept the position that a reunion will never happen, but parents have to be at least on speaking terms, the parents must be civil to each other and the children then understand that both parents love them and both parents make decisions about their lives."
"The children who are happiest in separation situations are those whose parents get together and make joint decisions about their lives. For example, the children should know when they are at either home the same respect and the same behaviour are expected. The same rules apply in both homes, if prayers are said at one house, if even the other parent does not believe in saying prayers, you have to do the same here."
"If the father does not like the child staying up and looking at television until midnight, Mummy must say "Daddy and I have made a decision that it is not in your best interest" so that you know the two parents are together on the subject. The children must not see their parents as adversaries but as partners, this is more acceptable."
Dr Philip and the other professionals in the business are experiencing a phenomenon in this country, where parents are bringing up children, sometimes without the emotional support of the other who may be in another country "and we have noticed that the fathers are less likely to introduce 'aunts' (sexual partners) into the lives of the children. The mothers quicker introduce the 'uncles'. We have noticed that very few men bring other women into the home with the children, while the women tend to bring other partners into the home. I am not suggesting that the mothers put their emotional lives on hold, but the introduction of different men whom the children recognise affect their mothers' lives as sexual partners, causes a lot of unpleasantness for children as most of the time they do not really understand what is going on."
There is the belief that children's needs have changed. "The society has changed", says Dr Philip "but the basic needs of the children for consistent behaviour from parents, such as, love, attention and realistic discipline, have not changed. We may be doing them differently but the needs are the same."
And if a child is being given one set of values but the parent or parents are operating out of a different set of values, this causes confusion in the children, and that in itself is considered stressful.